Something special happens when you finally start to realize your worth. This is a small part of my story and these things work for me; they are not meant as a road map for anyone else's journey. Take what speaks to you and let go of the rest.
When I was a kid, about 10, my mom used to take me to yoga class with her. I don't remember the classes but I do remember the retreat we took to New Mexico. I was the only kid in a group of adults. It was up in the mountains and absolutely beautiful. The retreat had bath houses and a communal building for eating but we slept in tents. It was magical and I wish I remembered it more vividly but as many events of my childhood, I just don't remember with any clarity.
As an adult, I've wanted to recreate that magic both to connect with myself and to continue on my path of empathy towards my mother. I fulfilled that wish this past summer. I spent two weeks at the Ulpotha Yoga & Ayurveda Retreat in in the North Western Province of beautiful Sri Lanka. I stayed in a luxurious mud hut, ate freshly prepared garden to table vegan food for each meal, swam in a lake, saw monkeys daily, and had an indescribable moment with a herd of elephants - all without electricity, wifi, and very little phone signal.
Part of the retreat included twice daily yoga classes. Due to the economic and political crisis at the time, I was the only one at the retreat for the first week and had the pleasure of very personalized yoga classes. During one of our classes, we were holding positions for a longer period of time for some deeper stretches - specifically my nemesis, hips and hamstrings. While holding a difficult pose, my teacher Olivia said, "breathe through the discomfort". So I did and eventually the pose became more comfortable and the reward of more physical space was worth it. I've thought a lot about that phrase since July and it has stuck with me as a fabulous mantra for life.
Discomfort or Pain?
Immediately after Olivia said that phrase, I asked myself an important question, "am I in discomfort or pain?". I think I automatically equate discomfort to pain - as something that needs to end. But discomfort, or being uncomfortable, is about being in a situation that feels unfamiliar, unpredictable, and outside the norm (our comfort zone if you will). Pain usually involves fear or anxiety - it is a sign that something is wrong. You can experience discomfort without pain. And in truth, discomfort is a healthy part of the human condition and one we need to learn to embrace, or at least fist bump.
Identify Your Thoughts
What we think in moments of discomfort is directly related to how we feel. Thoughts trigger emotions. Before Olivia invited me to breathe through the discomfort, I was thinking things along the lines of "man, I don't like this" and "ugh, my hip is screaming" and probably "if I move out of the pose, will she notice". Those thoughts led me to wanting to give up and end the discomfort quickly. I would have missed that lovely feeling of growth and space afterwards. Instead, I did breathe and became more aware of what was really happening in my body. I became curious about the sensation and trusted that my body would let me know if I needed to stop.
Discomfort Zones and Growth
Peter McWilliams once said, “Comfort zones are most often expanded through discomfort.” When we are comfortable, there's no motivation to change and while change is stressful, some of the most beautiful things happen when you do. Part of my growth is learning how to deal with my emotions in a mature way. Learning to sit with the discomfort of tense moments, breathe, and discern what is really happening. We all have uncomfortable moments and in those moments we have a choice of how we act. My usual action was to follow my immediate emotions (like anger or resentment) and that often left the situation worse - or at least the relationship worse.
Let's start with emails. As a teacher, I get emails from students that are often requesting extensions or giving excuses as why something was not done or done to the grade they wanted. My first response always seems to be one of injustice. I get annoyed and somewhat angry that I am being questioned or that I'm being manipulated. So I breathe. I sit in that uncomfortable emotion and I get curious. Why do I feel that way? Is what the student asking reasonable? Can I find some grace in this moment? This exact situation happened to me on Sunday. I got to work with several emails from students asking for extensions and stating all sorts of reasons why. I felt indignation and anger grow with each one. So I put those emails aside and moved on. I needed time to process before I responded. I needed to breathe through the discomfort of that situation. I returned to my values and my integrity. I realized that I must be a safe place for these students and they were reaching out. I then had to figure out how I could maintain my professional integrity and where I had space to be flexible.
On a personal level, I realized last year that I have come to the end of my teaching career. And that is uncomfortable! I've had to sit in the discomfort of an unknown future for a few months now and I am so thankful that I didn't just rush to make it stop by choosing to continue teaching or just deciding to teach somewhere else. I kept stretching, holding, breathing, and then stretching more into the new found space. In each new extended boundary of comfort, I've found even more possibilities, support, and excitement.
But What about Uncomfortable Conversations?
They're the worst. Conflict is hard. All of our own insecurities come up when we are in conflict with someone and then our conversations reflect that. In my previous post, I spoke on my issues of worth. I bring that issue into every conversation I have and often find anger as my initial reaction to conflict because of those feelings of being unworthy. I have to let myself slow down and be curious. I honor my authenticity by letting the other person know how I'm feeling. Are you feeling attacked or defensive - then say that. You are allowed to take a moment and process - "I notice that I'm feeling defensive right now and I need a moment to process where that is coming from."
I found myself in an uncomfortable meeting a few weeks ago. I felt my anxiety and defensiveness rise and I had to breathe. I kept my ears open and remained curious about my feelings. I took my time before I spoke and acknowledged the unease in the room and thanked everyone for sharing how they felt. The rest of that day, I continued to be curious about my discomfort. I realized that it was too overwhelming in the moment to fully share my thoughts and I decided to send an email. I am so proud of how I handled that situation because I know how I would have handled it just 6 months ago. I celebrate how far I've come and how sitting in discomfort teaches me a bit more about how much space I still have left to grow.
My Biggest Win
"Breathe through the discomfort" is a go to mantra for me. I find myself saying it on almost a regular basis and now that I have experienced success, I find it even more powerful. When I find myself in discomfort, I first turn to my breathe and then my thoughts. Our thoughts are so important. How we speak to ourselves is important. I encourage you to take a moment to be curious and identify why you had that thought. What are you feeling? Where is it in your body? Aim for accuracy - are you angry or is it actually fear or embarrassment?
Take a moment to ground yourself in the present by focusing on your breath and then name your feeling. What thoughts triggered that feeling? How can you react to those feelings in the kindest and most gentlest way to yourself, and to others, and remain authentic and true to your values? Take the time you need to get there. It is better to ask for time than to answer in a way that may damage a relationship.
Life is full of uncomfortable moments but those moments are when we experience the most growth. Afterwards, we find that our capacity to handle those moments has stretched and added more space. You can do this. Breathe through the discomfort and find space to stretch and grow. You deserve it.
Are you ready to reconnect to your values, passion, and creativity? Book your Discovery call, today!
Remember your shine!
Karma ✨
Comments