Something special happens when you finally start to realize your worth. This is a small part of my story and these things work for me; they are not meant as a road map for anyone else's journey.
I started therapy in November 2019 and for the past 2 years have been doing the hard work of healing and growing anew. One of the most powerful sessions was when I discovered my core beliefs. That belief that is lodged in the center of your heart and guides all of your decisions. That belief that shaped how you saw yourself in the world and was the cause of the walls you've built. Dr. Anna K. Schaffner defines core beliefs as, "our most deeply held assumptions about ourselves, the world, and others. They are firmly embedded in our thinking and significantly shape our reality and behaviors." My core beliefs are that I am unlovable and unworthy. Just typing that brings up a well of emotion. I think back to all the times that I've said to myself and others, "I'm hard to love" or thought that in order to keep people in my life I have to be overly generous with my time and material things. Discovering and naming my core beliefs have been a key step to my healing. I am able to trace many of my reactions to not feeling worthy in that moment and then can step back and find the reality and move forward.
Learning about my core beliefs was only the beginning. Because these beliefs inform how I see myself and the world, overcoming them is HARD and takes an intentional practice. Noticing when I'm being unkind to myself and changing how I speak to myself. Changing the "I'm lazy" to "my body needs rest right now". Thanking my body for all it does instead of criticizing imperfections. Reminding myself that I belong in any room that I want to be in (thanks Shonda Rhimes!). Repeating "I am worthy" and "I'm doing the best I can" and applying that to all I interact with as well. Acknowledging my inner child, thanking her for keeping me safe, and letting her know that I've got this now and she can rest.
On August 1, 2022, I made a promise to start taking better care of myself and these past 2 and 1/2 months have been magical in so many small ordinary ways. I'm more present, I'm treating my body better and have this beautiful sense of peace in most situations. Little did I realize that although I set my goal as "take better care of myself" what I truly meant was learn to love myself. The child I was, the woman I am, and the person I am becoming. As RuPaul says, "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love someone else" so it was time to truly love ME.
I started with a doctor's appointment. I'm in my 40's and I need to get serious about taking care of my health - plus, I am privileged with fantastic health care and want to take advantage of it while I can. I scheduled a general wellness visit and a dentist appointment too! Those small steps tell my inner child that I am worthy in this moment and deserving of good health. I'm helping her to see the life that we can build for ourselves is better than we have ever allowed ourselves to imagine.
The next step was to create better eating habits and to change my mindset around preparing meals. I've been living single a long time and I'm just getting tired of feeding myself, of constantly having to decide what to eat and then go to the kitchen and make it (if I even have groceries which is another decision to make!). It leads to eating lots of processed foods and the general feeling of BLAH. I remember an app I came across a few years ago that had some fantastic, healthy recipes and I decided to renew my membership. I began deciding on a menu for the week and then meal prepping. It has been a game changer for me. I'm eating such a diverse variety and things that are great for my body but also not depriving myself. I started a daily log of weight, food intake, and exercise. It was good to have a clear picture of what I was doing every day. I've been showing up for myself and treating my body like the amazing wonder that it is.
Then there's this injury I've been dealing with in my foot, likely Plantar Fasciitis, since at least April of this year. I realized that someone who loves themselves would get that looked into. So I started going to physical therapy and am so grateful that I don't have to suffer with the pain any more. Ensuring that I found time in my week to go to the sessions was hard. I had to deal with my excuses of being busy or being too tired which are just both excuses my inner child tells myself when she senses that I could be gaining feelings of worth.
To balance the attention I'm giving to my body, I have also made a commitment to meditate in the mornings before work. I discovered meditation back in May 2020 through an app (I love the power and convenience of apps!) and did their beginning meditation course. I meditated everyday for 30 days and it was surprising how much I fell in love with those few minutes a day. I've had some pretty deep negative feelings towards meditation since I was a kid - that's another story. Anyway, I had to let go of the preconceived notions I had and just show up. Be present in the moment for however long I decided to practice that day. The power of meditation is beautiful and just another way I can show my core beliefs that I am deserving. I now schedule 15 minutes of most work mornings to meditate. To focus on my breathing and just be present in the moment. To stand by the river of my thoughts and not judge them, or hold on to them, but to gently acknowledging them and watch them float by. I find that meditation helps with self-compassion, emotional regulation, and general peace. I focus on what I eat for the benefit of my body, I meditate for the benefit of my mind.
I hit a set back a few weeks ago. I went to a social event with a large group of people that I have often wished to be a part of their inner circle. I was anxious all the night before and the morning of. The elephant had placed it self firmly on my chest and the bird was fiercely beating at the cage of my heart. My inner child was whispering words of self-doubt, unlikeability, and risk of rejection. I reframed my thinking throughout the day (I do belong, I am likeable, etc.) and did the best I could but I still came back home feeling drained and disappointed. Everyone was lovely. My feelings are my responsibility and have I mentioned core beliefs are REALLY hard to change?! It threw off the rest of my weekend and I spent the next week in a mild depression. I lost several rounds of rock, paper, negative feelings of worth to my inner child. She can be ruthless. But the universe kept finding little ways to let the light back in throughout the week. A hug from a friend, a note of gratitude from a student, a surprise knock of the door with a treat, a note of encouragement and affirmation with chocolate, and a coffee date to check in on life with another friend. I continued to show up for myself through my eating habits, commitment to movement, meditation, and the conscience effort to be my authentic self to everyone. By Thursday, I felt so much better. I'm so proud of how I reached out to others about how I was feeling and how I continued to work hard to show myself love through this mild episode.
That brings me to a weapon against my core beliefs - gratitude. Choosing to focus on what is going well. Training my brain to think of the positive first and to presume positive intensions of others. The small mindset change from looking at the negative to seeing the opportunity. To be clear, I don't mean looking at a situation or a person and saying "at least...". I mean genuinely finding something to be thankful for - the lesson you learned, the door that was opened when another closed, the learning to value yourself so much that you are willing to let go of things that were once important to you because you are grateful for the better life you are building for yourself.
Negative core beliefs are limiting. I have been limiting myself. I have been keeping myself from love, from health and vitality, from deep, meaningful relationships with family, friends, and partners. I am lovable. I am worthy. I give myself permission to live in a world where both of those statements are true. I hope you do the same for yourself.
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Remember your shine!
Karma ✨
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